During one such brain-storming session, we came across a topic that is often brushed under the carpet, or worse still, ignored even if it is in the face of all to see. This issue is of marital rape and how many women experience this violence on their much touted “first night” itself.
Since India largely believes in the concept of arranged marriage, marital rape becomes an eventuality of that. Just a leap away from the urban quarters of the nation, a bulk of the girls are brought up under parental guidance which suggests they have to be at the receiving end of this mindboggling eventuality of marriage. She is told in no uncertain terms that she needs to condition herself to her husband’s physical advances come what may, that too as a woman, an uninitiated one at that. Though many urban couples now-a-days have become mature enough to not consummate the marriage as complete strangers on their first night, reality is that a bulk of the Indian population, not to mention society, is yet to take a thinking step in this direction. Scores of our girls are raped by their equally uninitiated husbands and the act is never ever brought to the notice of anyone. Worst still, the girl herself never thinks she has been raped, just carries on taking in the pain of awkward sex.
And if one were to ever complain, there are very few takers — not the police, not the courts and certainly not the parents or in-laws. Under the circumstances, the poor bride just takes it all in her stride, drawing from the all-through adjustment sermons she gets from her parents in ultimate preparation of her marriage.
Marital rape is a very widespread evil which has grown much like the population of India. Though it is a heinous crime perpetrated on many a married woman by her husband, there is little that has been done to eradicate its possibility or even minimise it through societal or judicial intervention. Heinous it may be, but if one were to go into its causes, it is an error of conditioning more than anything else, and it is the conditioning of the man as much as the woman all through their lives that aids and abets this little talked about crime. The problem with Indian men is that they go into an arranged marriage with immense pressure of performance.
The onus of starting a physical relationship with their bride is entirely on them. Everyone forgets the crucial factor here: Most of these men have never had sex in their lives and are as much virginal in mind and body as the girl they are about to tackle.
Not knowing much about such a tricky initiation, they goof up big time — and the hurt more often than naught is on the woman. If one is serious about ending the evil of marital rape, one has to give some counselling to bridegrooms and brides as well. Unless the man is mature enough to deal with the issue with the calmness of a veteran, first night rapes will continue to dog our girls and till these girls learn to protest and preserve their wish on this issue, they will continue to suffer. So, parents at both ends need to bring up their children, boys and girls, instilling adequate self-preservation genes in them. No girl should be taught and conditioned to be a sacrificial lamb and no man should be told to perform all on his own.
This, of course, is about the first night syndrome among our arranged couples. Marital rape though has immense potential to go much beyond that horror of the first night and become a regular feature in many a regular marriage.
Marital rape complaints are rarely taken seriously by our law enforcers though the issue comes under the revved up Domestic Violence Act. It is about time that women who come with this plaint to the police are trusted, not scorned upon and taken seriously by our cops.
It is an embarrassing complaint to make for a married woman in the first place. She comes in with a huge amount of hesitation and risking not just her in-laws’ wrath but also her parental negation of the issue.
She is alone in her stand which is often questioned by her too. Should she? Is she over-reacting? How can she? Will anyone ever understand? What if no one listens to her and she has to go back to the same abusive husband? What happens then? Will it not be better to silently suffer than to come out in the open, get no help and become an icon of mockery? All these ifs and buts plague her incessantly. And when her worst fears come true — about no one believing her or understanding her plight — she becomes an example to many others — an example of why one should not speak about this to anyone.
It is about time that corrective measures are taken at all levels so that our girl child grows up to know that she has the right to say ‘no’ if she is unprepared or if she needs some time. That’s an adjustment lesson our boys also need to be taught.
Source: The Sunday Pioneer, 22 April, 2012
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